come clean.

   there's something about a hot shower that does something to me. when i'm upset, that's what i do. i turn the water up as hot as it can be and i just stand there, water scalding my back, almost wanting to turn the temperature down, but preferring to let the water wash over me. when i finally get out, i'm so hot i can barely walk. i have to sit down and catch my breath. this is probably borderline massochistic, but something about it calms me. i do my best thinking in the shower. i let my tears mix with the water from the shower head and when i get out no one knows i was crying. i let all my emotions out, letting them slide down the drain with whatever i wanted to wash off from the day i just had.
   today was a hot shower kind of day. as i stood there, i replayed memories and sang taylor swift, but no one was home to hear me. i just want to wash you off, like you're just one more thing i can rid myself of. i stood there hoping that just maybe i would get out of the shower and feel brand new. clean hair,clean face, clean perspective. but it didn't really work like that for me today. i got out and it wasn't a secret i had been crying. my face was read, black streaks under my eyes. my usual kristen stewart-esque hair looked frazzled and unkept. i guess it wanted to match my whole persona. i want to be that girl who is strong and doesn't let anything phase her. and maybe i can pretend to be her, and maybe sometimes i truly am, but right now, i'm just not.
   i'm experienced in the art of loss. and i'm skillfully trained in bracing myself for the goodbye. but that doesn't ever make it easy. waking up one day and suddenly realizing that your routine will be nothing like the day before is hard. not waking up to a text message that instantly puts you in a better mood is hard. sitting at work knowing that i won't see you walk up with a pumpkin spice latte in your hand and that goofy grin on your face is hard. standing by my locker with no one to talk to is hard. not getting a note telling me about your day is hard. not knowing what you're doing is hard. not having someone to sit next to me while i do my homework is hard. going to your profile and seeing all of our pictures deleted is hard.not getting a goodbye kiss is hard. missing you is hard. but the hardest part is being lied to.
   you lied. and that i will not get over. you were supposed to be different. you were supposed to care. you were supposed to be that guy. but you're not. you're the same. you're not that guy, you're just a guy. who lied and left just like all the rest.

   so i'll take another hot shower, washing myself of your lies but knowing full well i won't really wash myself of you. as i stand there and think of all i've lost and all that i miss, i'll wash myself of the hurtful things i've heard from my own father. i'll wash myself of the memories of my childhood companion who i haven't really talked to in months. i'll wash myself of the family i made that fell apart. and now, i'll try and wash myself of you. i know it will take more than a hot shower to make it go away. but i know, one day, for me, it will go away. you'll just be one more thing i look back on and think of what went wrong. but what gives me peace of mind, is that i did nothing wrong. you did. and when you try to wash yourself of me, you won't be able to. because there is no one else like me. and i pray you already know that.