i learned from you that i will not crumble. i learned that strength is something you choose.

“Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do-fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible.”

   have you ever heard that idea that girls with no male role model in their lives seek affection anywhere they can find it? they crave male attention since they lack it at home? i freaking hate that stereotype. who's to say a girl always needs a man in her life? that having a boy pay attention to her somehow defines her? maybe i was just never raised to believe this. maybe in some cases, this is, unfortunately true. but i'd really like to believe i'm on of the exceptions.
   when i fill out papers at school, i leave the dad section empty. i suppose if i wanted to be funny i could just write OSTRACIZED in bold letters but teachers might not catch my humor. i remember the first day of school sophomore year, looking at all the typical first day of school papers and wondering, what do i write? do i fill it out or leave it blank? i left it blank. and have ever since.
    he's not around. and i spent a huge portion of my life seeking the affection from a man whose love i didn't need to earn. it exhausted me. and it broke me down. but, for me, it never made me want to seek affection somewhere else. i'd like to credit that to my own strength, but i'm not the wonder woman i often fancy myself. i've had a lot of help along the way. and most importantly, i have houston.
    my older brother, my best friend, my role model. he's taught me so much about myself. so much about what strength really is. that sometimes, being strong doesn't always mean taking on more than you can handle. that sometimes being strong means admitting when you can't go it alone. he stepped up and became the man my dad never was. he's fiercely independent with the knowledge of someone far beyond his years. i don't know who i would be without him.
   maybe i would be one of those girls seeking that "father figure." a girl so desperate for attention she sells herself short to find it. but i'm not. and every time i find myself looking for attention in the wrong places, he knows. and he's always the first to tell me, "casey, he's just not good enough for you."
    as much as i hate to admit it, he has yet to be wrong about one of the "nice guys." so maybe i should start listening. but even if i don't, i know i always have the one strong and responsible man the quote talks about. maybe it's supposed to refer to a dad. but for me, it doesn't. and i don't think it has to. sometimes you have to realize you don't need to look for love. usually, it finds you. and i love you for always reminding me.


thank you big brother, for everything.