i want you to want me.

          "All girls really want is someone to want them back."
                         -Brooke Davis

                

   true or false? if you know me you probably find it bizarre that i would ever question anything brooke says. i love her and think she is an absolute genius. but i've never been completely convinced that all girls want is to be wanted. well maybe some girls, but not me.
   i have this insane obsession with chaos. i'm rarely content. for some reason i've always associated being content with being complacent and for me, being complacent is settling. i refuse to settle. maybe my standards are too high. maybe i'll never find exactly what i'm looking for. or maybe, just maybe, i'll meet someone who makes me believe in love.
   trust issues run deep in my veins. i'm used to people leaving. i'm not cynical enough to believe everyone i love is going to leave me, but i'm jaded enough to expect it sometimes. the worst part is, as soon as someone gets attached to me, i'm always the one to leave. why? i have absolutely no idea.
    i hate when guys get sappy. i hate guys who freak out when i don't respond to a text. i hate guys who are clingy. i hate guys who care too much when i don't care enough. like i said, i enjoy chaos. and for me, that usually means i fall for the guy who doesn't care enough when i care too much. funny right?
   don't get me wrong, i like attention just as much as the next girl. i like to feel wanted. i don't like to feel needed by people i don't need.  who you are without me by kate voegele makes perfect sense to me. i'm not your anchor so don't hold on. don't show me you need me, you look weak. show me you want me, you're irresistible.
   like i said, i usually fall for the guy who doesn't care enough. i'm drawn to people whose affection i have to work for. kind of a massochistic behavior right? i don't get attached easily by any means. but once i get an idea in my head i can't get rid of it. if i believe in something, i want it to happen more than anything. obviously, i rarely get what i want.
   it's gotten to a point where i expect to be let down because i've let it happen so many times. i'm not weak. i'm a fighter. but i'm also human. and contrary to popular belief, i have feelings. and i know a thing or two about being hurt. i don't let people in easily. so when i do, it's even worse when they let me down. but the worst part is, i keep choosing people who i know will let me down. why?
   i've seen love fall apart. i believe in the saying love dies. but i still want to be loved. i want someone to want me to believe in love. so maybe it is true that all girls really want is someone to want them back. but more than anything, i want someone who wants to change things for me. i don't want someone who finds it easy to walk out of my life. and i don't want someone who thinks it's easy to win me over. i want someone to make me nervous in a good way. i want someone to know everything about me and love me regardless. i want someone who sees something in me. don't just say you want me, show me. if you don't know what you want, you don't want me. and more than that, you can't have me.