what makes an apology sincere? lately i've found myself constantly asking this. who deserves to be forgiven? who do you let back into your life regardless of something that happened in the past? who do you block out, keeping them from hurting you again?
i keep questioning forgiveness because i already know the answer, but i don't want to accept it. everyone deserves to be forgiven. everyone should be given a second chance. in my heart, i absolutely know that's the Christian choice to make. but in my head, i never think it's the smart choice to make. why let someone back into your life when all they do is let you down? why give someone the benefit of the doubt when they've given you every reason not to?
apologies come in all shapes and sizes. some people beg and plead for forgiveness, promising to never let you down again. i've come to learn that these are the apologies we want to hear, but they are also the apologies that mean the least. you can't promise to never let someone down. we're humans. we make mistakes. don't make a promise you can't keep. and trust me, this is a promise that will always be broken.
some people keep it short and simple. i'm sorry i did it. aka i'm sorry i got caught. i feel like these apologies come from people who want to be on your good side. and usually, in my life, they come from people i desperately want to believe. i feel like by extending the olive branch of "i'm sorry," they're showing they care. but that's never really the case, is it? they're putting a bandaid on whatever the problem is. trying to calm you down. but it's like putting a bandaid on a broken bone. it won't mend the trust. it'll take your mind off the pain for a while. but the break's still there. and sooner or later, you realize it's still broken. and it takes more than a simple i'm sorry to rebuild trust.
and when someone you really love lets you down, they know it. they know exactly what it takes to fix it. and if they care about you enough you, they will. they won't promise to never hurt you again. that would be a lie. but they're willing to admit they were in the wrong. and if you honestly believe their apology, pride goes out the window. it's when you're hurt that you're most vulnerable. you're willing to believe them. and you're willing to admit that you were in the wrong too.
so of all these apologies, which ones do i believe? only a few. and of all these apologies, who do i forgive? everyone. forgiveness isn't always for the other person. in fact, most of the time it's for yourself. why is this so hard to accept? isn't it easier just to hate the people who did you wrong and love those who stood by you through all of it? yes. i would stand by that 100 times. it's easier to hate. but the easy way out isn't the Christian way. being angry is so easy. anger is more of a facade than an emotion. it's something to hide behind. admitting that you're broken, that's when you're the strongest. i can honestly i say i've never felt stronger than when i was on my hands and knees, bawling, begging Jesus to take all my anger, all my hate. anger is a vicious circle. and the thing about running in circles is, you always end up right back where you started.
so i think the moral of the story here is, apologize when you've done wrong, accept apologies when you're angry, and love everyone, even those who you think don't deserve it. don't trust everyone, that's foolish. be careful with your heart. but most importantly, make yourself happy. if that means cutting someone out of your life because you feel it's the only way to solve your issues, so be it. but don't for a second cut that person out because of pride. i'm guilty of being too prideful. i struggle with it daily. but i can honestly say that out of everyone i cut out of my life, and there are definitely a few, it was the best choice i could have made.
i forgive them. i love them. i pray for them. yes, there are days when i wake up angry. there are days that i wish they would feel half the pain they caused me. but what would i get out of that? absolutely nothing. maybe i get more satisfaction in knowing that they don't get to have me in their life. they missed that chance. and i'm okay with it. i've received a lot of apologies that were far from sincere. and i've learned who to believe, for the most part. i'm stilll learning. i'm still growing. i'm still trying. some days i fall short. but in the days that i'm most at peace with my world, those are the days i am truly happy.
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