let me qualify that statement: i can't tell someone when i like them. really, the whole idea completely freaks me out. all my life i've been addicted to chick flicks, teen love stories, and high school soap operas, and they make it look so easy. boy likes girl, girl likes boy, they fall madly in love, right? not in my life.
i honestly don't think i've ever straight up said the phrase: i like you. is that weird? maybe it's because i've never had to. i've never been in a situation where it's imperative that i say something. until now. maybe it's because i'm kind of old-fashioned and still think the boy should make the first move. not that i have really followed that rule in the past, but now it seems like a good excuse. maybe it's because i don't want to break the "friend barrier." like if i admit my feelings, things won't be the same. even though i know that's not true because going from best friends to dating is the easiest transition in the world. been there done that got the tear in my heart to prove it. too dramatic? probably. maybe it's because i don't know when there's a right time to say something like that. i mean do you just throw it out there whenever? or do you have to wait for one of those right time and place situations? i wouldn't know. like i said, i've never had to tell anyone i liked them. or maybe, i'm scared.
the idea of being rejected is one i refuse to come to terms with. the thought of screwing things up when i'm content with how they are terrifies me. and i use the term content intentionally because content is not the same as happy. content is complacent. i want extraordinary. and he is. but what if i'm not? maybe he does just see me as a friend and everyone has misjudged the situation. or maybe i just don't want to admit to myself that there is something there. and the only way for me to know is to say something.
i'm not fearless. especially when it comes to putting my heart on the line. but isn't that the greatest risk? because if it does work out, it's everything you could ever hope for. but then if it doesn't, i'm right back where i started. alone, insecure, and afraid. but maybe it's better to at least know where you stand with someone than to constantly live in the what if's. what if i had said something? what if i was wrong? what if he's worth it?
falling for your best friend is tricky. but it's also the easiest thing in the world. they already know you. and they already love you for who you are. and you don't have to be nervous around each other. it's so comfortable. and it's perfect. until, one day, it's not. maybe that's where my fear comes from. i've been down this road before. and losing someone who was that important to you is so hard. and maybe i just don't want to go through that again. what i need to realize is that not every guy is the same as the one who screwed you over. not every guy is going to lie to you. and not every guy is going to break your heart. i just haven't had anyone prove that to me yet. but maybe that's because, i never give them the chance.
i'm guarded. and i'm jaded. but i'm also irrevocably in love with the idea of love. i believe in that fairy tale love story. i have to. because if i don't, what do i have to look forward to?
before senior year, my two best friends and i made a "senior year bucket list." and one of the things on the list is: take a risk. i've done the easy stuff on the list. like going to all the dances, having a random hookup (not okay), and being exempt from exams. things that don't take feelings or courage. so maybe it's time i do something without thinking. just act. something outside of myself. something brave. something fearless.
no promises on when or how i'm going to say something. but i will. because i have to. i can't live in this gray area anymore. so, here's to hoping it works out. wish me luck, God knows i need it.
"Real life is a funny thing, you know.
In real life, saying the right thing at the right
moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact,
that most of us start to feel hesitant for fear of
saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
But lately what I've begun to fear more than that
is letting the moment pass without saying
anything. I think you deserve to look back on
your life without this chorus of resounding voices
saying, 'I could've but it's too late now'. So
there's a time for silence, and there's a time for
waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel,
and you so clearly know what you need to say,
you'll know it. I don't think you should wait.
I think you should speak now." -Taylor Swift
No comments:
Post a Comment