i am me, and i won't change for anyone.

   clearly, i haven't written anything in a while. i never force myself to sit down and write unless i'm going through something. or i've got a lot to say and there's no other way for me to make sense of it, i.e the two posts below were inspired by a boy. and i use that term deliberately because he was just that, a boy. foolish and indecisive. nothing like one of those to be your greatest muse right? not. i have so much going on outside of him. i have a life of my very own that was everything i needed it to be before he stepped into the picture, and it continues to be that now that he's gone. so why don't i write about it?
   part of me fears that no one really cares what i have to say. the only people i know who read my posts are my close friends, who already know what's going on in my life, but not necessarily in my head. so i write in the hopes that they will understand me. at least have a glimpse into what i'm going through. but can't i just talk to them about it? in theory, yes. but do i? no. why don't i write for the people who don't know me? because isn't that what writing is? saying how you feel, completely unsure of how anyone will receive it.  but you say it, in hopes that maybe someone you don't know will read it, and identify with your problems. hoping that your words will give them some clarity in their own lives. that's how i fell in love with words, with books. and one day, i hope someone will be able to do the same with what i write. no i don't think my blog is bookmarked on homepages across the globe or anything like that, but you've got to start somewhere right? write.
   it's a little weird to me that my first post was about senior year and all the big decisions associated with it. because here i am, halfway through my senior year, and i didn't think twice about any of these things while they were happening. i had my first day of school. cried as soon as i got home that night as my mom sat in my bed and told me that the world does go on after high school. i took my ACT for one last time. got the same score i had the previous two times. quickly gave up on standardized testing. i applied to college, getting accepted to both of my top choices, UT Knoxville and Mississippi State. and now after much deliberation and consideration, i have decided to be a VOL! go big orange. i had my last homecoming week and dance. i dressed up for every day like always, took all the pictures to prove it, and eagerly awaited the upcoming saturday where i would get to spend the night dancing it away with my friends at the zoo. and...my date stood me up. so did my best friend's. needless to say, we shared a date. who neither of us knew all that well or desired to know all that well, truth be told. but we made the most of the situation, as always.  i fell for my best friend, or maybe just admitted it to myself for the first time, and had my first actual high school boyfriend. for the first time in so long, i was completely happy. needless to say that was short-lived because he broke up with me. and then a week later decided he wanted me back. being a weak and sometimes stupid girl, i gave him a second chance. and once again he let me down. going back to the same ex-girlfriend he left me for before. if he's reading this, i hope he knows he's a complete idiot. and that he should stay far, far away from me. anyways, enough dwelling. i finally had the opportunity to tell someone they were lying when they continued to tell me they missed me, but never did anything to actually prove it. that was empowering. enough about the boy. i went to christmas formal with my best friends , with a date and corsage, my first one ever might i add. but i did go with the same stupid boy..so the memory is a little tainted, but it was one of those high school memories you're just supposed to have. cliche right? that's okay. i love cliches. i had my last christmas break where i would actually be living at home rather than just visiting for a few weeks. that's a weird to one to come to terms with. i can't imagine calling somewhere else my home. but i guess in just a few more months, i will. so strange. i can't imagine visiting my friends on vacations rather than driving to their houses just to say hi. one thing i hope i never lose sight of as i make my own way in the world is friendship. the people who helped me grow in the supposed four years of hell. i only have a few people i really care to keep in touch with. but as far as i'm concerned, that's all i really need. so i've still got a few more things to look forward to..prom and graduation being the major events of my adolescence i have yet to experience. i hope that the rest of senior year is filled with love, happiness, and most of all, friendship.

   so i pretty much just rambled through the past few months of my life, but that's okay. because for once, i'm writing about me. and just me. not the way someone has made me feel but instead the ways i can make myself happy. i don't know how often i'll post things and i can't guarantee there won't be a few more melodramatic, sappy posts, because let's face it, i'm casey lee preuett, it's what i do. but i'm done giving someone the power over my emotions. because they're mine. and i decide what to do with them.