because of you.

   i'm the type of person who likes to suffer silently. when i'm going through something, i don't like to talk about it. i hate feeling weak. i hate letting people think they got the best of me. they don't deserve to know it. at least that's my mindset. and when i'm going through something, i always feel like no one will understand my pain. no one could possibly understand how hurt i am so why bother trying to explain it? truth be told this is a really stupid mindset. it's true that very few people can actually empathize with your pain because they've been through the same thing. no one has the exact same problems. except for your family.
   it's funny how most people are least willing to talk to their family about their problems, seeing as though they're the ones who can understand everything they're going through. i've been that person. that person who just wanted to be angry with someone. who wanted someone to blame. it's easy to be angry with the people who stick around, because you know that no matter what you say, they have to take it. they might not take it well, but they have to listen.  it's easy to be mean to the people who love you. but it's not fair either. 
   people deal with tragedies in different ways. and everyone has their own tragedies to deal with. but families have the same tragedy. the same thing that broke one person broke the next. but everyone handles it differently.  when my dad left, houston grew up faster than necessary. he took on more than he should have. but i love him for that. he's one of the strongest people i know. i look up to him more than he probably realizes. he's more than just a brother, he's my best friend. i feel like emotional abuse either has the power to either paralyze you or build you.  i hate how much austin has been through. and i hate that, for the longest time, he seemed so completely broken. i hate that he had his spirit broken. but he's one of the few people i know who never lets you see him down. he loves to make other people happy, even when he can't make himself happy. i admire this about him. and then there's my mom. my beautiful, funny, strong mom. my rock. my everything. the person who was usually on the receiving end of my anger. the person who i knew would never leave me, no matter how i acted. yes, she got frustrated, but more than anything she just wanted me to be happy again. and eventually, i was happy again. i wasn't so bitter. i wasn't so angry. if it weren't for these three incredible people, i can't say where i would be. but i know i would be a lot worse off.
   i don't think i grew up too fast. and i don't think i was paralyzed. i think i was just angry.  i didn't know how to deal with my anger. i didn't know who to talk to. i didn't know who cared. but now i do. when i feel like my world is falling apart, i know who will understand me. i know the people who have been on this roller coaster with me all along. the people who love me regardless of my bad moods, my cynicism.  the people i can count on. the people who changed my world. the people who made me who i am today. so, as far as i'm concerned. no one really got the best of us. we're all still standing. we're still strong. and we're happy. and i know for a fact that the person who caused all of this is anything but happy. anger is self-destruction. i can't be him. i can't ruin my world because i'm unhappy. so thank you for showing me who not to be. and i thank the people who stayed by my side for showing me how to be someone i can be proud of.  i love you.