i'm only me when i'm with you.

   i've always pitied those who don't understand what it means to have a best friend. those who call everyone their "best friends," but don't have a single person in their life they can actually confide in, actually trust. they don't have someone to call when their world is shattering and they just need someone who will listen. someone who understands when you need silence and when you need advice. someone who understands the difference between caring and meddling. someone who never stops looking out for you. someone who is just as protective, if not more, of your heart than they are of their own. someone who will always be there. i have a best friend, and for that i am more than blessed.
   i met my best friend when i was ten years old. she was the "new girl," the one everybody wanted to meet. when you're young, you're so fascinated with something new. a new toy, a new tv show, a new person. usually, however, once something isn't new anymore, it also loses its excitement. as kids, we grow bored easily, constantly looking for change. i never had the same best friend for more than one school year. so what changed? i did. who changed me? savannah jay mccausland.
   i've never met someone more like myself, someone who understands me completely. all my moods, all my flaws, all my jokes. she is my better half. the sister God didn't give me. the friend who never left my side. the person i call when i just want to talk. the person i call when i just want someone to listen. the person i call when i need advice. one of the few people i know who deserves the very best of what life has to offer. and i know she will find it.
   she's brave and beautiful. strong and independent. wise and witty. loyal and loving. welcoming and kind. stubborn and hard-headed. ruthless and confident. crazy but grounded. she's everything i ever needed in a friend. God knew exactly what he was doing when he put her in my life.
   i'm not perfect. my life isn't perfect. and our friendship is far from perfect. but that's what makes it work. we fight. we get frustrated. we give each other the cold shoulder. we say things we don't mean. but most importantly, we love each other. i've only had one fight with her that i thought we wouldn't make it back from. it felt like our lives were going down two different paths and there was nothing i could do to stop it. i thought she didn't care anymore. i thought we were experiencing the typical "we just grew apart" phase.i never thought that would happen to us. i thought we were too close for that. but i saw it happening, and i was too stubborn to try and fix it.
   having a best friend who's just as stubborn as you are is difficult. no one wants to be the one to break the silence, but one of us is always willing. yes, sometimes we probably let it go too far. but we've never let it go too far that we can't find our way back. our paths are so intertwined. through every wrong turn either of us have made, we always end up at the same crossroads. i feel like we always will.
   so for all of those who don't have a best friend, believe me when i say it's one of life's greatest gifts. believe in the fact that there are people who want the absolute best for you. believe that it is possible to love someone more than yourself. believe that growing up doesn't always mean growing apart. and believe that God will put that person in your life. and when you meet that person, you'll know it.
   to have a best friend you have to be a best friend. and i can only hope i've been half the friend to her that she's been to me. i can only hope that my advice has made half the impact on her that her advice has made on me. i don't always tell the people i love exactly how much i love them. i take people for granted, especially the ones who will always be there. i don't always listen to those who know best. sometimes it takes almost losing something to see how much you need it. i need a best friend. i'm only me when i'm with you.




Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best
                              friend.