she will be loved.

    my best friend just put a running list on a dry erase board in my room. it's a list of every guy i've ever had anything with and a line drawn through all the names of those who didn't work out. there's a line through every single name. everyone always makes fun of me for my rapid turnover rate. i often get the miley comparison in the sense that " i go through guys like money flying out their hands."  looking at the list brought a very tangible realization that i can't decide on one person. or is it that one person can't decide on me? who's the one singing the leaver's song, me or them?  that's hard to say.
    i've never really understood what makes two people just click. what makes you see someone else in such a different way than you see anyone else? what makes your heart race when you see one person but not another? and what exactly, makes this stop? i'm guilty of just "not feeling it" anymore. moving on with no real reason as to why. and i've been a victim of someone just "not feeling it" anymore. and it hurts every time. the worst pain in the world is to feel like someone doesn't want you. even if you knew it wasn't headed anywhere, even if you knew it would never ever work out, the sting in those words is so powerful. i hate knowing that i've ever made anyone feel like this.
   what makes someone get over you? i've asked myself this so many times. what makes those feelings go away? or what makes someone want to stifle those feelings when they're so clearly still there? i don't think there's really an answer to that. i'm the queen of looking for reasons not to like someone, not to let them in. i find a flaw and run for miles with it. honestly, this is probably the reason i'm still alone. i can't let myself be happy. it never feels like it's real. i always feel like the rug's about to be ripped out from under me so i should just beat it to the punch. so in that sense, i've sang the leaver's song quite a few times. i've been that girl who leaves with not the slightest reason as to why. i couldn't explain it to them or myself. i just acted. and all the times i did this, i secretly wished someone would care enough to stop me. to tell me they knew i was just hiding behind a wall. to tell me i was worth fighting for. but no one ever did.
   but i'm not a heartbreaker by any means. i've been serenaded by the leaver's song quite a few times. and every time i feel like a part of me was taken away. i think we let different people in different ways. we show everyone a different part of ourselves that only they get to see. so when they leave it feels like they didn't like what they they saw. it wasn't enough to make them stay. i've given too much away with no promise of anything in return. i've risked let down. i've risked attachment. and more than anything i've risked my heart. and most of the time, it wasn't worth the risks. i let my guard down for people who didn't really care to break the wall down. they weren't looking for all i had to offer. they were just looking for what i was willing to give. and too many times i gave more than i received. too many times have i found myself asking why they couldn't see as much in me as i saw in them. too many times, too many times.
    so, i still don't understand what made my face turn red when he looked at me. what made my stomach get those good kind of knots when he was near me. what made my heart race when he touched my face. and i still don't know why i couldn't have these feelings for the people who had them for me. i don't know and i don't understand it. but i have to believe that one day, i'll find someone who wants to break the wall down. who wants to see every side of me. who sees something worth sticking around for. i believe in that instant connection. and i believe that one day, i'll find it. so for all those boys who didn't stick around or didn't fight for me, your loss. i am extraordinary if you ever got to know me. so if you didn't, you'll regret it.